On Healing & Forging a New Path: Go Through, Not Around.

I was listening to a podcast the other day by an amazing author and personal growth leader named Rachel Hollis…and in the episode, she asked a question that led to an awakening for me: “Are you afraid of failure, or are you afraid of what other people will think of your failure?” DANG. I’ll give y’all a second to reflect on that…cause it was a kick in the teeth for me, too. As I began to process the back half of her question, it made sense, for me, to apply it more broadly. So, I sort of re-framed the question and asked myself, “Is it even possible to control what other people think of me?” Of course, I thought, there are things that I can do to “manage” other people’s perceptions, but in the end the answer is no. It is absolutely, positively impossible to control how other people see me. For example, one person may view me as a complete failure, while another looks at my life and sees an exemplary success. Why? Because people’s opinions, expectations, and perceptions are all informed by vastly different and individual beliefs, experiences, and struggles. So, let’s break this down: if everyone defines success and failure from a different vantage point, it makes total sense that, in the past, I’ve felt like a complete “failure” (see what I did there? ;) regarding pleasing everyone, meeting every expectation, and appeasing every individual recommendation.

I started to reflect on how much I’ve allowed other people’s opinions, perceptions, and expectations into my decision making process in the past…and I began to realize the damage that it’s done. If you’re willing to go here with me, let’s get real (cause that’s just how I roll): Managing perception is a complete waste of time and misuse of energy. It’s an enemy tactic, a shame trigger, and a cheap distraction that keeps us all from living out of our true identity in Christ, for those of us who follow Him….did you hear that last part? When we try to manage perception, we’re depleting ourselves, using up sweet energy that we could, in turn, be using to live out our true identities in Christ!!! It’s a thief in that way. And, I can only speak for me here but, I’ve willingly let it be all of those above things at different times in my life. Lastly, the idea of managing perception is rooted in pride and narcissism (***quick commercial break to give a special shoutout to our self-obsessed, individualistic culture…I’m not placing all of the blame on you, but, I do see you…that’s all ;). And listen, this people-pleasing, perception managing thing? WE. ALL. DEAL WITH IT!!! HELLO. Let me be clear: this is not about me being hard on myself or trying to condemn anyone else who’s reading. This is me, you, digging into the “real reels” of our lives (uh-oh), taking true inventory of our choices and where they’ve led us. Because we’re responsible for our decisions and their outcomes. I think it’s so important to reflect on mistakes and shortcomings, no matter the discomfort they may bring. You see, my choosing to ignore that I’ve had a people-pleasing or self-absorbed mindset in the past doesn't change the fact that it happened…it just makes me ignorant of it, and in turn, keeps me from truly processing it, confessing it, healing, and moving forward.

In summary, I think we all want to find healing—to find freedom from caring about other people’s perceptions of us or needing to constantly please others. And as good as our intentions may be, our human instinct is to avoid dealing with the imperfections of our character, the errors of our past, by going around them instead of through them. Because if we choose to walk through and not around, to really process the time we’ve spent making decisions based off of people pleasing instead of being led by the gentle voice of God, we know that we will have to experience the deep discomfort of repentance and of grief. We will have to confront the reality that our need to please others has been greater than our desire to please God. And in my opinion, the most painful part of walking through and not around, is having to process the idea of “Regret”. That’s why we’d rather be found covering our ears and singing, “Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la” instead of facing it head on. But I’m here to tell you that there’s another way. You see, no regret is any match when held up against the mercy and kindness of God. And the very second that we begin to admit the weaknesses or our human condition, to process, to repent, confessing our regret to the Father, the healing process can begin. God will take our past, our regret, our weakness and turn it into a profound part of our story—a catalyst for change in our lives that will strengthen and propel us into the future that He has planned for us. But, don’t plug your ears…HEAR ME NOW: it may not look at all like what you imagined. That’s because as we bring our regrets to God with true hearts of repentance and of humility, He’ll begin to heal us. And when He heals us, He puts new things in our hearts—new desires, new dreams. And now, our desires are turned away from pleasing ourselves and are turned toward pleasing Him.

There’s so much more than I want to say right now, but I’m going to have to save that for Part 2…coming soon! I’ll get a little more personal next time, share some of my journey over the past year, and talk about (I think?) how to deal with your regret and start loving who God is causing you to become! :)

Love,
Haley