What I’ve Been Up to for the Past Year: Episode 1
Hi and welcome to my blog and this episode of “What I’ve been up to for the past year”! Cool title, right? But you’re here, so that’s something! ;) I feel like we should each get some sort of award just for being here..WE’RE ALL HERE!!! :) Okay, seriously though…I’m so glad that you’re taking the time to visit and read. Because I really do believe that we’re all connected in some way and that we can all learn, grow, and be inspired by each another. So, whether I learn something from a comment or criticism you make or you glean something from what I write, I am deeply grateful that we get to be here. :)
So, let’s get right to it…I think that pretty much from the beginning, I’ve made my “calling” much more complicated than it actually is. (The word “calling” is so daunting, right?! Sheesh.) As you come back here and read and visit with me, you’ll get to hear more of my story in detail, but for right now, I’ll just start with saying that my calling has been staring at me my entire life and I didn’t even know it.
Growing up, I always thought that I wanted to be an artist (music, not visual art, for those who are still getting to know me ;), a songwriter, and a worship leader. Some of those things I wanted simply because I wanted them. And others I wanted because that was what other people wanted for me, and ultimately I desired approval from them BECAUSE HELLO WE ALL WANT LOVE AND APPROVAL. I did growing up and I still do. ;)
Some of those desires have come to pass, and I’m super grateful for that. But others have not. And for awhile, I’ve let my shame about what I haven’t accomplished eclipse any and all success and growth that I’ve had. I’ve been so, so hard on myself about who I’m not and, in turn, so unloving to who I currently am. I’ve let that shame debilitate me, box me in and keep me from exploring new passions and developing new skills. But the other day, something significant happened that changed me…enough to want to write about it. ;);) As I was sitting in a coffee shop reading and journaling, I distinctly heard God begin speaking to me. Not audibly, but in that still, tender voice that I recognized as His. And here’s what he said:
“HALEY, I want you to stop punishing yourself for who you haven’t become and start loving who you’re becoming.”
My initial feeling was of extreme discomfort because I felt SO. SEEN. in this encounter. And at the same time, I felt like a physical weight had been lifted off of me. Because for so long, the past year specifically, I had been allowing shame to control me. Here are some of the things he said:
“Will you ever stop being such a millennial? Your course has been drawn out and if you don’t stick it out and GET. IT. DONE. then you’ve failed.”
“You know you’re gonna get criticized, judged, belittled for that, right? What will you think about what other people think if you veer another direction?”
“Yeah, that thing that gives you life that you love to do…it’s cute, but it’s not lucrative and it never will be. That thing you love to do can’t be made into a career.”
“There are so many other people already doing this. Why do you think that you’re original enough for your best work to even make a dent? Other people are already doing this better than you ever could.”
“You’re going to get into this and run out of creativity. You won’t be able to sustain what you’ve built for yourself, so why even start?”
I know…it’s pretty dark, right? :) Up until this encounter, all of the lies that shame had spoken over me were spinning like a record over and over and over until they had become my truth. But everything and I mean EVERYTHING changed when He spoke to me. LISTEN, I’ve only had a handful of these encounters with God. But it only takes having one to know what it feels like…and I knew that this was significant. The Father was lovingly showing me a better way. He was giving me a choice: I could either continue to live in this mentality of fear and scarcity or I could allow His words to change me, to heal me. Right here, right now.
So I listened, journaling as feverishly as I could, to get everything that I was processing down on paper. I never wanted to forget or talk myself out of any of this. I let my imagination take the driver’s seat and kindly told shame that he could sit in the back and BE NICE OR LEAVE. I kept talking to God…telling Him my dreams. He asked me, “What is the one thing that you could do every single day of your life and be excited about?” And together, we figured out the answer, which is….***drum roll please***…long-form writing!!! SURPRISE!!! :)
Yep. That’s why I’m here, writing to you. I’m owning it for the first time, putting content out there…of ALL KINDS…just having fun with it. Because here’s the thing: I will NEVER know how to offer the best of myself and my service to others unless I put something, lots of things, out there. Unless I give people, YOU, the opportunity to tell me what’s resonating and helpful, I won’t know 1.)Who I’m out here for or 2.)What content I need to write and share about!
Will I still continue to be a worship leader? ABSOLUTELY!!! I’m still wildly passionate about the local and global church and feel called to keep giving of my talents in that way. Will I still write songs? BIG FAT YES TO THAT! ;) This whole new writing thing is hopefully only going to sharpen me and will compliment the things I’m already doing. I’m just learning that my “calling” lies in using ALL of my gifts to show people who Christ is to me and how He’s always working in my life to bring me fullness of joy…and when I say ALL of my gifts, I even mean, ESPECIALLY mean, those gifts that I haven’t fully developed yet. You see, the beauty of obedience is that it doesn’t need to be perfect to be obedience. It’s about following through with your heart, your intentions, and giving the best of what you have in service to God and others. As my pastor said just this week, “It’s about effort, not earning.”
So what’s that thing for you? That gift you’ve been withholding that could breathe life into others? That thing that you’re afraid to even say out lout? If it’s born of the Spirit, if it brings you joy, if it utilizes your best service to others…maybe you should follow it! Let’s try it together?! I hope that my story can be an encouragement to you that will help you unlock something new and life-giving…something that’s always been there…a divine and unique task that only you can complete. Not for the sake of grinding it out and getting it done, but for the sake of the wonder-filled journey of complete obedience and the depth of character that it brings.
Application:
Out of the lies that I described above, which ones have become your truth? In other words, what is stopping you from unlocking that gifting, from continuing to learn and develop into the best, most utilized version of yourself? Over the next little while, I’m going to unpack each of those lies individually and together, we can discover the truths that are hiding behind them…just to give a little hint on what’s to come! ;)
I would really love for you to comment here, ask questions, share your journey so that I can discover what is useful to those of you who are reading and want to be a part of this community, and more importantly so that I’m able to encourage you. :) Thanks again for taking the time to visit with me here. I can’t wait to hear your story.
love & peace,
haley