LIE #2: I'll be criticized, even ridiculed for forging a new path.

This is a big one for me.

I say “is”, as in present tense, because I’ll have to keep overcoming this lie for the rest of my life. As long as I decide to keep creating and putting my work out into the world, I will never, EVER stop trying to make everyone like, accept, even love me. It’s painful to dwell on, but if I’m truthful, belonging is one of my deepest longings…I mean DUH the word longing itself is built into the word belonging, so it only makes THE MOST SENSE HELLO. And chances are if you’re living and breathing, belonging is one of your deepest longings, too. :)

I’ve been writing and posting my own work both here and on social media since last November(ish), so I’ve had a small window of time to test the pesky lie that “I’ll be criticized, even ridiculed for forging a new path”…just to see if it holds up, and GOOD NEWS FRIENDS, in most of my experiences, it’s been exposed as…you guessed it, A LIE! UNTRUE! NOT REALITY! Take that, criticism! Take that, ridicule!!! I’ve been so overwhelmingly encouraged that, upon forging a new path, I’ve been met with so much more encouragement and positivity than judgment and criticism.

But this weirdly hasn’t kept my people-pleasing tendencies at bay…can you even believe it?! HOW RUDE. ;) What I mean is that even in the midst of others celebrating and encouraging the heck out of me, I still sometimes let my feelings about what people think about me become my reality. My feelings allow even the tiniest criticism from a stranger to become lodged into my brain, exaggerated, and can even make me feel helpless to move forward.

And then sometimes, even more times than not, I am my own worst critic.

So I’m writing this next post for you, for me, for all of us who want to belong, to be loved and accepted…and for those of us (most of us, HELLO) who have a hard time with receiving feedback. I want us to be able to read these truths back to ourselves when we become discouraged or overwhelmed by our view of what other people may think about us…to come back here for the purpose of anchoring ourselves in some rational truths that are based on facts and reality versus how we feel. I pray that these shared thoughts, tools, and experiences will lift our spirits, instill in us a peaceful confidence, and help us get back on the most important and fulfilling journey: offering our best work and service to God and those around us.

So let’s talk about criticism. Buckle up, friends…WE ARE GOING THERE. ;)

I think we can all agree that criticism, in any form, coming from any person, makes us feel some sort of discomfort or pain. And depending on 1) our mental state, 2) the deliverer of the criticism, or 3) the way in which said criticism is delivered, it can even be excruciating.

I pretty much swing from one end of the pendulum and then all the way back to the other when it comes to how I handle criticism. Some days my mindset is like, “COME AT ME, BRO. I don’t care what any of you think about me, nor do I need your approval, feedback, criticism, etc, etc, ETC!” LOL. You’re allowed to laugh at this…it’s funny. And while this kind of mindset temporarily makes me feel invincible, I think it can do some long-term damage.

Then, on other days, I find myself taking every single piece of feedback to heart, constantly internalizing my own version of what someone said (or didn’t say) about me or my work. And as if that’s not crippling enough, I additionally tend to make up things that people could be saying or thinking about me when start to slip into this sort of thought process and pattern. This obviously isn’t a healthy way to receive criticism, either.

In conclusion, I know that to not have any desire for criticism or feedback is harmful and can ultimately stagnate my growth. But I’ve also found that internalizing every criticism that I receive can cripple, even paralyze me. So what gives?! What’s the trick to finding a happy, healthy medium when it comes to the way we receive feedback? I’m really excited to share some specific things that I’ve found to be helpful for me right now whenever I’m faced with criticism or someone else’s opinion of me:

1. Identify the safe people in your life. People who you trust to offer you honest, constructive, feedback. Then invite them to speak into your habits, work, relationships challenges, etc…and then LISTEN TO THEM. Why is this so important? Because the healthiest, most beneficial criticism is the kind that comes from people who give us a sense of belonging. You know who I’m talking about…those people who have shown up in your life and keep showing up for you, no matter what. Their intentions are pure, they are always cheering you on, and they want to see you soar in every area of your life. Which is why they will tell you the truth, even if it hurts to hear. You’re probably not gonna like it in the moment, but LISTEN UP: telling someone the truth is perhaps the most valuable, kind, thing you can do for someone…even if, especially if it’s a critique. Your safe people will tell you the truth and it’ll be challenging but it will also be a blessing and a comfort to receive it, because it will be coming from a loving, grace-filled place. Don’t miss out on receiving criticism in this way. You should be allowing the people you trust to tell you the truth in love regularly…because after all, they’ve built up enough relationship equity to offer honest feedback. These people have seen the good and the bad. They have context about your life that they can use to glean advice that unbiased people on the internet don’t have, which leads me to my next piece of advice…

2. Stop placing so much value on the criticisms of those who don’t have a stake in your life and overall well-being. Am I saying don’t ever listen to ANY critiques you receive from people on the internet? No. But I am saying, don’t give it as much weight as the people who are invested in your life and who care about you deeply. I think it’s good to receive all kinds of feedback, from all kinds of sources, but we get into trouble when we begin to give everyone’s opinion the same weight…when we pick up, play with, examine, and internalize everything we receive as the truth, when after all, it is just someone else’s opinion. There may not be anything fact-based about a piece of advice or feedback you’re receiving from a stranger whether it’s on the internet or in the grocery check-out line, but we choose to internalize it as the truth. We’re left damaged by the words of a complete stranger, while they just get to move on with their lives. It’s easy to become bitter about that, but the truth is we all have control over what we internalize, what we let people speak into us. A lot of us have sworn off receiving feedback because we’ve been burned. We’ve gotta start owning the thoughts that we choose to internalize and fighting against the ones that just aren’t true…it really is a fight and we need to engage for the sake of our own well-being. It’s been so critical for me to continue to learn how to filter and test every piece of feedback, to thoughtfully consider whether it’s coming from a trusted source, to listen to, but then to let go of what’s coming from maybe even a well-meaning but not helpful place. So, let’s figure out whose opinions are thoughtful & trustworthy and grow from receiving them…and then let’s stop placing so much value on everyone else’s opinion and stop receiving it as the ultimate & final truth. It really is possible for us to train our brains not to “go there'“, and there’s so much freedom to be found in implementing that discipline.

3. Okay, now hold onto your butts (that’s my version of buckle your seatbelts for anyone who needs interpretation! ;) and let’s deal with perhaps the biggest issue: YOU AND ME. I really do believe with all my heart that we can be our own worst enemies; the biggest stumbling block that keeps us from our potential. We get in our own way all the time, but what if we could overcome that and train our brains to process differently? Here are a couple thoughts I’d encourage you to take a minute and reflect on before reading further: What if it all went right for me instead of all going wrong? What if everyone isn’t out to get me? Could I be stuck in a worst-case-scenario mindset right now instead of reality? If other people’s thoughts about me weren’t a factor, how would I choose to live and pursue my dreams?
   
   These are all questions I have to stop and ask myself whenever my anxiety starts to start spinning my head around like a hamster on a wheel (you’re welcome for that visual).
   
   Like I mentioned before, I have been utterly shocked by the amount of encouragement I’ve received about my writing and posts both here and on social media. When I first decided that I needed to start putting my work out into the world to receive feedback, I was petrified. I was afraid, first of all, that people would get so annoyed by me talking about myself and my journey…and if I’m honest, I often wondered why I thought I had anything special to offer to the world in sharing my story and process (more on that later) in the first place. But what I was more afraid of than anything else was that people would downright ridicule me. That somehow, every monger on the inter-webs would find my account, read my words and then post hateful, obliterating comments about it, about me. That I’d be shamed for sharing honestly. That people would tear apart my grammar and the way I told my stories. But the most interesting thing in the world has happened. DO NOT MISS THIS:
   
   Wanna know how many people have called me out or asked me to stop posting about myself and/or in general?
   
   ZERO. Nil. None. NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON.
   
   And guess how many people have told me that I post to many “selfies”? ZERO AGAIN.
   
   Finally, guess how many people have asked me to stop promoting or talking about myself so much? ZEROOOOOOOOO.
   
   WANNA KNOW WHY THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, Y’ALL? Because it’s forced me to face the fact that my issue with criticism actually stems from the way I criticize and talk to and about my own self, not because of the way other people criticize me. Like, I’m not always kind when I’m talking to myself. In fact, I can be impatient, mean, and downright brutal in the way I speak to myself, without even realizing it. In other words, I am my worst critic. And since I treat myself poorly, I assume that others will do the same. Basically, I am projecting my own character flaw onto everyone else when I believe that people are only out to criticize and belittle me. I’ve found that the best way to combat self-criticism and the fear of others criticizing me is to be gentle with myself and my process. I know this feels counter-intuitive, but stick with me.
   
   It’s important for us to understand the power of our brains to trick us into becoming afraid and ultimately keep us from pursuing the things that we desire most. For example, when we’re about to say or do or write something brave, or real, or vulnerable, or say, share something about our story that could really help and encourage people, our literal bodies and mind go into fight or flight mode and start talking to us, saying things like: “Don’t do this. People won’t like it. You’re gonna get rejected HARD if you choose to be this honest. You should definitely not share this because what if your theology is ALL WRONG?!” But the truth is, our minds are just trying to protect us. Realizing that my own criticisms and fear-based thoughts are trying to act as protectors for me has really changed the game, and here’s how…
   
   I used to try to ignore the voices in my head when they started talking to me, but I found that instead of going away when I tried to stifle them, they only amplified and got stronger, louder. And that’s because my thoughts and fears are instinctual, meaning, they were trying to look out for me, keep me out of danger. So one day, I tried something different…I acknowledged my fear-based thoughts, and I listened to them…but I didn’t stop there. READ: I didn’t let my fear get the last word.
   
   THIS IS CRITICAL.
   
   Instead of ignoring or forcing my fearful thoughts or self-criticisms into my subconscious, I set them free! Here’s how I use this even now as a tool for combating anxiety and fear of other people’s opinions: whenever I start to have debilitating thoughts:
   
   First, I PAUSE…and thank my thoughts for trying to protect me. Now I am fully aware that I probably just lost some of y’all with the whole “thanking your fears” thing! ;) But stick with me, pretty please?! I’m just trying to be as honest and open as I can about what has worked for me. So yeah…anyway, I don’t rush or push past my fears anymore; I thank them. And then I sit with them long enough to test them and see if they’re real. Because here’s the thing: my fears are teachers to me now. And if I sit with them long enough, allowing my adrenaline and heightened emotions to calm down and settle, I’m able to much better discern whether they are true or not, and why. The best way I’ve discovered to combat my own thoughts or self-criticism is to ask questions back to them. For example, “Could my imagination be coloring this thought even a little bit?” or “Is there even the slightest possibility that the thought I’m having could be untrue?”. Or here’s my personal favorite, “Yes, this feeling you’re having is valid…but does that make everything that you’re feeling true?” I’ve found that being inquisitive about my thoughts instead of beating myself up for having them really helps me get unstuck from the familiar and negative patterns that tend to always creep back in time after time. Learning to be gentle with myself and my thoughts has been one of the most difficult, ground-breaking work I’ve ever done. And I’m so grateful to continue to learn it over and over every single day.

4. And finally, but perhaps most importantly, if you have a hard time being kind to yourself, please know that you’re not alone. And if you’ll allow, I’d like to ask you the same question I often have to ask myself: Are you allowing yourself to fully and freely receive the unconditional love, worth, and acceptance from God that is endlessly and completely yours for the taking? Or are you allowing your worth to be based on the affirmation and approval of others and the things that you accomplish? You see, I think we’re always looking to find our worth from something or someone, because we’re human. And the danger is that if we’re not getting our approval and acceptance from God first, we will look to others to give it to us. And others will always let us down, because they’re human in the same way we are. It’s important for us to remember that because we are all imperfect (even those who love us most), we can’t, and shouldn’t place the heavy burden on others to always love and accept us perfectly. But Good News!!! We are all invited into a relationship with a perfect God who will not, cannot EVER let us down. He desires more than anything else for us to come to Him for our worth and identity. We have all the love, approval, acceptance that we could ever need in Jesus Christ. But just because we have a relationship with Christ doesn’t mean that we don't need to constantly remind ourselves where our worth comes from! I forget all the time, which is why I write down the same truth, every single day to help me remember: “I am fully seen, known, loved, and accepted by God, NO MATTER WHAT.” Yep. I write it down. Every. Single. Day. Because I need to be reminded of it all the time. I heard someone say recently, “slowing down remembers, and hurrying forgets”. How true is that when it comes to our identities in Christ. I need to slow down long enough to remind myself of my worth in Christ every single day. And I hope you’ll give yourself the same gift. Because you deserve it and are worthy of it.
   
   And for some reason, I feel like I’m supposed to share a little bonus tip for anybody out there who finds themselves needing to “perform” for their jobs. Whether I’m performing, speaking, or leading worship somewhere, right before I go on stage, as a ritual, I look out at the crowd and say this deep down in my heart…and it settles me more than anything else, period: “It’s not my job to make you like me; it’s my job to be obedient.” There’s nothing that sets me free more to be who I am created to be in Christ than that right there. It gets me fired up just thinking about it! It’s so important, dear one, to let yourself just be “you”. You don’t need to put anything on other than your identity in Christ. In fact, I think when you’re your truest self, leading others from a place of authenticity on the platform, it actually translates in a much more powerful way than when we try and force ourselves to be someone we’re not. So, cut yourself a break and give yourself permission to be human, real, YOU! C’mon, anybody?!?!? Am I the only person who feels strongly about this!? Ha. Okay, RANT OVER. :)

   Anyway, I hope that this has been helpful and worth you taking your sweet time to read, for those of you who so graciously did!!! Offering my words as a service to you is literally my heartbeat. My reason. My joy. I long to help others reach their God-given potential. But most importantly, I long for each of you to realize how loved and accepted you are by God, and then let that propel you to your greatest work: offering your best gifts and service to God and others.

   You have all of the love and acceptance you need, right here, right now. Yes, YOU. Every breath you take, there is new grace, mercy, and hope FOR YOU. I hope this little blog post on a random Wednesday leaves you feeling set free in a way that you’ll never forget. I believe that we serve a powerful God who can do anything He wants, through anyone He wants. Even me. That’s why I’m writing to you. If you ever have questions about or want to further discuss anything I’ve said here, nothing would delight me more than walking with you and hearing about your journey and your questions. DISCLAIMER: I may not have answers for you, but I believe that the best growth happens in community, so please reach out and TALK TO ME ANYWAY. Maybe between the two of us we can learn and discover something new and fun together! :) And until I hear from you:
   
   “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13 (NIV)
   
   Love and peace,
   
   -haley